How do parents keep their children from becoming victims of rebellion during those volatile teenage years? The most important thing to bear in mind is that the seeds of rebellion are sown while they are growing through the formative years leading up to their teens. When children realize that there are consequences for wrong behavior at every stage of growth, for instance, they will be more likely to consider repercussions of their actions when they become teenagers. While there is no formula, here are a few suggestions:

Always communicate unconditional acceptance of your children. Affirm them often, so that when conflicts arise as they mature, they will still move towards you and not away from you.
Be consistent and wise in disciplining your children. Follow through. When you say there will be a punishment, keep your word. Children who experience boundaries as real also come to understand there is wisdom and benefits to them.
Gradually grant them the independence they desire at the age appropriate time. This is a skill. To hold the reins too tight for too long can embitter a child. To hold the reins too loose, and to release them too early can set them up for failure and breed insecurity and mistrust.
Communicate, communicate, communicate. At every stage communication is key. As they mature, communication is paramount. The child who feels like his parents hear and understand him will not wander far down the road of rebellion. Learn to listen.
Have and communicate a plan, then do it.  Achieving the goals of the plan are never automatic. Acceptance is unconditional. Rewards are not. They are a result of well thought up plans and our children’s compliance to their part in the process.
Continue to do things together. Find things that are of interest to your children but which can be enjoyed together. I may do sports with my boys, but I also have regular “DDDs” with my girls (Daddy Daughter Dates).
Help them with the definitions. Since teenagers are seeking definitions, guide them in discovering them. Be careful not to tell them the answers you want to hear. The skillful parents knows that when they discover the answer, this ownership is not easily taken from them. Do not push them to accept your definitions. They will likely push back.

“She looks like me!”

This has to be one of the most blissful and extraordinary things that one can experience in life; I have just become a grandparent. Due to the glories of modern technology, we get new pictures every day of our little angel. And with each shot, comes the natural urge to compare. “She has her Aunt Lizzie’s chin”. “Her nose looks more Chinese.” “Her forehead comes from Grandma’s side of the family.” “She looks most like you, Grandpa.” Ah, now you’re talking!

There is something comforting, even energizing, in knowing that our children, or our grandchildren, take after us. When anyone gets within striking distances of me these days, I have the photos ready for viewing. I even want to tell strangers. Immediately a warm smile graces their faces as well. How can anyone resist the sweetness and innocence of a newborn?

As babies grow into toddlers, and toddlers become younger children, the fascination with lookalike features may die down, but the desire for likeness does not. We see in them a reflection of ourselves. We see characteristics and traits, or behaviors. We want to pass on our values, and our beliefs. In those times when we see our weaknesses and imperfections acted out in them, we are reminded of the grave responsibility we have to be an example, to live the life of one worth following.

As they continue to mature, our hopes and dreams for them take shape. Their personalities and interests surface. Character is formed. They interact with peers and have an ever-widening circle of social networks. In all these things we still look for ourselves in our children. Their achievements become our achievement, their successes, our success, their struggles, our struggle.

Finally, our children develop skills and pursue their studies and careers. As they move on, they move out. Though interaction and intersection are less frequent, we now hear from teachers, or friends, or future spouses, words that have gripped us from those cradle days: “You know she’s a lot like you.”

From those first days in a baby’s life and through the passage of time, I have discovered something; our playful musings about their noses, eyes, and chins as newborns are actually an expression of something wholesome and profound. Something of me has been stamped on the lives of my descendents. That is both a sobering and a thrilling thought…one which I hope will not lead to embarrassment, but to those same proud, grin-filled emotions I enjoy right now as I ponder how my granddaughter “looks like me.”

Balancing Act

I remember being in awe the first time I went to the Big Top, and saw that man suspended high on a wire, rocking back and forth, yet managing to navigate safely to other side of the tightrope. What skill! What courage! What balance!

No one wakes up with that kind of balance. It requires years of practice, mental and physical discipline, and a commitment to success. In reality, life is like that! Sadly, many never cross the high wire of the many roles we are called upon to play over a lifetime to the other side. Nor do we learn to “juggle” our commitments without dropping some of the “balls”.

Learning to balance in life also requires commitment, discipline, skill, and courage! Actualizing it may seem about as realistic as mastering the tightrope suspended way up there in the Big Top, but the reward is much more rich than the walker could ever know. More than a “wow” or a “whew”, the one who crosses this wire successfully doesn’t only make people happy for a moment. He leaves a stream people who are happy in life in his wake.

Of the many “balls” we are juggling, as we strive to achieve a healthy balance of work, friends, rest, etc. the one which we must not drop is our family. For this is the one ball we will be holding at the “end of the show”. So when it comes to our “performance” regarding the family, may it be said of each of us: What skill! What courage! What Balance!

Children need to know that they always have access to their parents. There should never be a time when a child feels as though the door to his mom and dad is closed. On the contrary, when my son or my daughter knocks on our door, he or she should know that the sign reads “Open, 24/7”.

Unfortunately, many children knock on the door that has another sign hanging there. “Busy”. “Come back later”. “Take a number”. “On vacation”. What we as parents need to understand is that children don’t need to have a “reason”. Their problem or question doesn’t have to be earth shattering. It doesn’t have to be a crisis. In fact, it doesn’t have to be anything. Maybe all he or she needs is a hug, a smile, or a pat on the head. Maybe the question is not the point of coming at all, but a smoke screen of what’s really happening inside: a cry for affection, or affirmation. I find even my older kids will at times just come and sit on my lap—for nothing!

Of course there are also real problems or questions that are itching for an answer too. They start out simple and grow complex as our children grow. But each step along the way, they need to know they can come to us, anywhere, anytime. Otherwise, when children find that our door is closed, they will begin to knock elsewhere. Little girls may knock on the door of the first boy who shows an interest in them, and then the next, and the next. Little boys may knock on the door of the boy in the gang who is a little older, and cooler than they are. Before you know it, your daughter has formed an approach to life, and your son has become trapped in a web from which escape is costly.

Being a parent does not mean you have to know everything. But it does mean that you have to be available. It means your children need to know that your door is always open: “24/7”.

The definition of a prospector is an explorer whose sole purpose is to discover riches under the surface, usually gold. From 1849 to 1855, 300,000 people traveled to California from across America and a dozen foreign lands in search of wealth in what later was called “The Gold Rush”. Some struck it rich, but many only faced hardships, leaving debts, debauchery, and broken families in their wake.

A wise parent is like a seasoned prospector. But unlike the temporal and selfish pursuits of these gold diggers, his passion is to explore the riches that lie just beneath the surface of his children, waiting to be discovered. Unlike the tens of thousands who suffered greatly and lived with regrets during the great Rush, a parent will never be disappointed if he spends time mining for treasure in his sons and daughters. His investment of time, and sacrifices for a cause, will make discovering bullion seem trivial, even foolish. Even among the prospectors who made millions, many died miserable, disillusioned, or having squandered the wealth for which they had blindly left all else behind. But a father or mother who recognizes the immense potential in a child–who patiently, skillfully, prayerfully, extracts from them gifts, creativity, passions, and talent–is one who has chosen the right priority. They will live to see so much “wealth” created, they will wonder how anyone could have chosen a shiny piece of rock over the wonder and enchantment of a child who grows up secure and contented because he knew that in Mom and Dad’s eyes, he was so much more precious than gold.